


I've Decided To Call It Love

by smolchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x12 Coda, Angst, Cas has some Realizations, Fluff, M/M, Stuck In The Middle (With you)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 18:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9838436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolchester/pseuds/smolchester
Summary: “I’ve always cared about you, Dean. But it wasn’t until recently that I actually put human phraseology to it beyond simply caring.”Oh.Dean thinks.“I love you. I can fully understand the emotion now and I meant it."





	

They all gather at the bunker that night. Except Mary.

She has her stuff at a motel right in town and decided she would stay the night there rather than follow Sam, Dean, and Castiel back to the bunker. Of course, she has other business to tend to as well.

It’s shortly past midnight when the three of them make it back to Lebanon. The two and a half hour drive was silent. There's an air of sadness in the Impala. Dean doesn’t speak much, nor does Sam. The quiet is potent but needed. As thoughts run through his head, Dean keeps a careful eye on the Continental driving ahead of them. Rather than going ahead and speeding free range the drive home, he’d opted to follow Cas.

Sam gives a “good night” and gingerly pats Cas on the shoulder before heading down the hall from the library to his room. Dean hovers a little longer as Cas sits himself down at the table.

“You should rest up, man.” He suggests, standing in the doorway. Cas looks up at him with weary eyes.

“I would rather sit here for now. I won’t sleep anyways.”

“Do you want company?” Dean asks. Truthfully, he’s itching to talk to Cas after tonight. He certainly had a lot to say while Dean was at a loss for words.

Cas sighs. “Okay.” He says as he pulls out the chair at the end of the table. Dean sits down and sets his duffle to the side of him and the cooler on the table. He pulls a beer out and reaches for another before Cas interjects.

“I appreciate the sentiment but again, it won't comfort me.”

Dean slides the beer back in and closes the cooler. He pulls the keys from his pocket to pop the cap off his own beer. He shifts in his seat. The pair is silent for a few moments as Cas looks down at his folded hands in his lap. Dean takes a sip of his beer and shuts his eyes, tilting his head back. If what Cas needs is a comforting presence, then that's what Dean will be. Honestly, he’s still at a loss for words. Dean’s never been one to sit, hold your hand, and coddle you through the emotional times. But right now he really wants to be.

Thankfully, Cas is the one to break the silence.

“I was terrified.” He manages. “I’ve never been so completely scared in my existence.”

Dean opens his eyes and sets the beer he was holding to his chest on the table. “Why? Why now? I mean you’ve died before, anticipated death before.”

Cas audibly gulps, much to Dean's surprise. _Dammit_. He thinks. This is hard for Cas to talk about and he isn’t exactly being delicate. Cas is still looking at his hands, eyes scanning back and forth, perhaps for an answer.

Dean reaches out to grasp his shoulder in the only sympathetic act he can think of in the moment.

“It’s okay.” He says in a basic attempt to comfort.

“I can feel now.” Cas starts. “I have my grace but I can feel. I fear death. I truly fear dying and the consequences now, unlike before.”

Before is a long time. It’s a monumentally long time, like millenia. Cas never felt fear towards dying like this? Not even during his time as a human? Now that Cas has his grace back his death would be like it was always anticipated - nothingness probably. Even his killing of Billie wouldn’t have changed that. He has no soul to throw into the Void as an alternative to Heaven. It doesn’t quite make sense to Dean.

“Consequences?” Dean inquires. He pulls his hand back and rests his arm on the armrest of his chair.

“I’ve always cared about you, Dean. But it wasn’t until recently that I actually put human phraseology to it beyond simply caring.”

 _Oh_. Dean thinks.

“I love you. I can fully understand the emotion now and I meant it.”

Once again Deans at a loss for words like the fucking idiot he knows he is. Cas loves him. He loves all of them. Dean can’t remember the last time he told someone that and Cas, a being that's supposed to be unfeeling, just told him he _loves_ him and meant it.

“You have something to live for now.” Dean says, soft and almost a whisper. “You’re scared to leave us.” Cas nods his head, staring at the table, not having yet met Dean’s eyes.

They’re both quiet for a few minutes.

“Dean, I was talking to you foremost.”

“Huh?”

“I said I love you and then felt the need to follow it with I love you all. My love for Sam and your mother is different - I can differentiate it.”

“Different?” Dean can only manage one word questions at the moment.

Cas looks up at him now for the first time. “Remember when I said we have a profound bond?”

Dean doesn't realize there's a knot in his chest until it seems to unravel. He lets out a laugh. “So you love me a lot? Like a celestial shit ton?”

Cas cracks a smile of his own and puts his hand on his face. “I guess, to put it eloquently.”

“Does that mean we’re soulmates?”

“Dean, I don’t have a soul so most likely not.”

“What is it then?”

“I can’t further explain it. Love is the most adequate descriptor I have.”

Dean smiles. _God, this is crazy. Cas loves (in in love with?) me because there's some higher force connecting him that he can’t explain?_ Dean grabs Cas’ hand from his face and rests it on the table, his own hand covering it. His hand shakes a little.

“You were really bad.” Dean admits, but that’s not a revelation. “It was ugly and definite and there - for once - seemed like no way out.”

Cas puts his other hand on top of Dean’s to steady it. Dean lets out a huff, runs his free hand through his hair, and looks away.

“Towards the end it got real bad and you had moments left and it finally hit me because the denial was gone. You were going to most definitely die with Ramiel gone. You were going to just be gone. Dead. And I couldn’t bring myself to comfort you the way you deserved and it eats me alive because what kind of fucking awful -”

“No.”

A cut off Dean takes a breath. He’s worked up and his eyes - _fuck_ \- are watering. His chest is tight again and it burns this time around, making its way to the pit of his stomach too. He grabs the beer on the table and takes a loud gulp, as if it will make anything easier.

“You deserve for me to be honest. I wish I was a better person who could be there when you need me.” He continues, not allowing Cas to protest more. “You were going to die and you laid it all right out on the table, Cas, and I couldn’t give you the courtesy of telling you.”

“Dean -” Cas interjects. Dean’s hand is shaking again and he tries to still it.

“I’m going to do it. I’m going to say it. Just give me a second.”

Cas’ eyes widen. It takes Dean a good two minutes or so. Meanwhile, Cas just looks at him. The hunter’s eyes are wide and somewhat watery as they frantically scan the ceiling. He silently tries to form words with his lips and licks them nervously. Cas knows what he’s planning to say. He may be new to fully comprehending the concept, but he now realizes he’s felt it for years.

“Castiel.” Cas’ attention snaps back to the moment. Dean looks at him, visibly scared but intent.

“I most definitely love you back.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Much thanks to [Deaniesmith](http://archiveofourown.org/users/deaniesmith) for beta-ing this late night emotion filled work.  
> FUN FACT: The title comes from a remark they made on the phrasing Cas used and how it's (accidentally) reminiscent of Yuuri's "I don't have a name for that feeling, so I've decided to call it love" monologue in Yuri!!! On Ice so I used it for the title being the clever person I am.


End file.
